Friday, February 26, 2010

Go-to Places

I understand that most people have a "go-to" first date item. For girls, many have a go-to first date outfit. Guys might have a go-to first date place. I've mentioned before that my go-to first date place is Barnes and Noble/Starbucks. Although I am curious what other "go-to items" people might have, that isn't the main part of this post.

I would imagine that the further along we go (in number of dates), there would be less and less people having go-to items for those dates. In other words, fewer guys would have a go-to third date place than guys who would have a go-to second date place. My issue is that I have been on a fourth date with seven girls, so by now I have a go-to first, second, third and fourth date place.

Do I think this is weird? I'm glad I asked. Of course I think this is weird. Why else would I be writing this? I just don't like to give up on things. I have a problem saying to myself that something (major) bothers me and therefore I have to give up on whoever the girl is. I feel like there is always a way to work around it, and it takes me a while to realize that there are some things that are just irreconcilable.

Before I got into dating, a friend pointed out that I will have the opposite problem that most guys face/ Most guys tend to give up on something way too early. I, on the other hand, will wait way too long to give up on something that I should have given up on a long time before. He was right. I have this problem and it is just as big a problem for the guys who give up too soon; they both have major "am I making the right decision?" problems.

I guess this is why I have the go-to fourth date place. I can't help but allowing a large amount of my dates to get to that point.


  1. I can identify with the "am I making the righ decision" issue - which has plagued me in a handle of longer-term relationships that most probably should have ended before they eventually did (for better or worse). It's definitely not easy trying to sort out what exactly can be compromised on and what can't, but the true core values and things you hold dear will reign out in the end.

    I also have had 3-4 date plan for a while now, though I have switched it up a bit more recently. It goes something like this:
    1) Starbucks
    2) Dave and Buster's
    3) Dinner / dessert
    4) Toys R Us

    With 2-3 sometimes being switched around, and with an occasional visit to Ripley's as a 2 or 3 as well (though I've basically memorized the place by now, it still provides a lot of good conversation).

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  3. Shades- I usually do
    1) As mentioned above
    2) D&B
    3) Dinner
    4) The View in Times Square

    BJG- Things like looks and blatantly obvious hashkafic issues (things that most guys would catch) have lingered in my mind for up to four dates before I have decided that the girl is not for me.

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  5. Yeah. The issues aren't big per se, but they are obvious things that I tend to allow to linger and I can't understand why.

    ESPN is nothing compared to D&B. I like the one in Long Island better though; it's quieter. However, I recently went there and it was crawling with dates (including two that I knew and one that she knew. It was way out of character for that place.

  6. I'm (obviously) not a guy, but if I could call the shots (without seeming too controlling), I'd say:
    1st date: Coffee/Starbucks
    2nd date:
    -Nice weather: stroll in the park
    -Cold/rain/snow: hotel lobby/lounge
    3rd date: Dinner
    4th date: dave & busters/arcade/bowling/zoo/museum

    My reasoning:
    1) starbucks is usually a quiet, yet socially unawkward, place to begin getting to know an individual. You can ask your questions and receive answers without being overly distracted by scenery or food.
    2) still have more questions for each other and attempting to getting to know the individual, but this time there's more scenery. Personally, I find walks/strolls to be rejuvenating and enlightening. Fresh air = great!
    3) at this point, I've loosened up a lot and feel more comfortable with the guy, so I can eat and not be as nervous. Hey, maybe I'll actually get to swallow normally and FINISH my dish! Also, often, conversation is less based on Q & A style, and more flowing and natural - so you can eat and enjoy without as much stress as on a 1st/2nd date.
    4) You're both more or less acquainted at this point and feel at ease to just let loose and have FUN.

    But, hey. It's just my 2 cents. :)

  7. Sefardi Gal- That's why I usually go to a Starbucks/Barnes and Noble. If the conversation gets lame, go for the books. there are always conversations there.

  8. I generally didn't date in the same city often as I was out-of-town and only dated out-of-towners. I always went to her for the first date - so it was hard to have a simple go to place. My first date I always tried to go to a hotel lounge. See I'm the type of guy that has no problem making conversation and I very much want to be able to see facial reactions when I say certain things. Starbucks is OK but I felt there were too many distractions for the first date. B&N was just about out by default because I'm not a reader and that doesn't make me sound so intelligent. :) Also I want to be forced to sit and talk not walk around.

    The second date (and after) I would always play by ear.

    I went out with 6 girls (my wife being the 6th).

    I went out on a second date with 4 of them.

    The fist girl was a one and done. She said no. I was planning on going to a hotel lounge again because the conversation went very well and I wanted to be able to continue to talk to her to see if I can get a better "grip" on her hashkafos. Needless to say, that never happened.

    Second girl I went to a place called The Putting Edge - an indoor game room and mini golf. She was a much more active/add girl who talk a lot really fast. We hit it off well and spoke A LOT on our first date in the hotel lounge. I figured we both would rather some activity for the second date. (I was right of course.)

    Third girl was a one and done. She dropped me but I hadn't thought about where to go yet for the second.

    Fourth girl was in Millwakee. We went to Miller Brewery Tour. She was a quieter girl and I figured doing something would make her more comfortable then just sitting and talking.

    Fifth girl I took a walk in a really nice park. We spoke a lot ion the first date so I decided to do something with more conversation topics and scenery to look at. Also it was a gorgeous day outside.

    Sixth girl (my wife) we went to a Orioles game! Now that was one heck of a date. Box seats for free. :) But that's a whole different story.

  9. AEF, I've only dated one girl outside of the tri-state area to this point and guess what? They have Barnes and Noble and a D&B there, too! It only wnet three, though (for the third, she came up to NY.

  10. Yes - but as I said I try to go to hotel lounge not a b&n or d&b and the second I play by ear - depending on the girl. But since I dated out of town - there were not specific go-to places I could use.

  11. Also, come spring time - a walk/picnic in Central Park (you can get bagels from David and Avi's), along with a row-boat excursion (make sure to wear suntan lotion and a hat/sunglasses) are great ideas for a 3rd or 4th date.