Friday, May 14, 2010

Mr. Grammatarian

A friend of mine sent me this well, let's call it an essay. He wrote it about 5 months ago and posted it on Yeshiva World where nobody understood it. So here it is:

If you happen to run into a specialist in any field although he is very competent in his area of expertise he doesn’t usually proceed to ram his expertise down your throat. I have never received an unsolicited strep test from a doctor on the subway, nor has a fashion designer come strutting over to me and said “you would tho much better in a pink thirt, theriouthly”. But English Teachers, feel that the reason that they are placed on this earth, is to rid the world of people like me, I mean I….wait is that a proposition following a statement or a statement following a proposition, I think I dangled my participles also, what the heck is a participle anyway, it sounds like a part of the human anatomy, “Mom, Joe broke his participle, quick call a doctor. What? You can’t. Oh he’s giving you a strep test.” (this paper just went from a A+ to a B- because of this long digression). So here we go, this my official thesis statement, which I know should have gone at the beginning of the paper but I DON’T CARE!!!!!

I hate English Teachers, I the way that they feel the need to correct your grammar even when you are not in the classroom, or in their class, or even if you don’t know who they are. How many times have you found your self telling humorous anecdotes to your friends starting off with the words “Me and Yoel”, and before you even wind up for the punch line some English teacher will appear miraculously out of nowhere (he wasn’t part of the original conversation, which included my friends, English Teachers have no friends) and he will pull his pants up high and proclaim “Not me and Yoel, Yoel and I” and proceed to put his finger back in his nose. Do you feel better? Has a major evil been righted in the world? Will you be able to sleep at night, or will you toss and turn wondering which under privileged children in Africa might not ever even know the difference between a colon and a semicolon (Is a semicolon when you get half your colon removed, and is colon that man perfume stuff).

So please all you English teachers who lurk in the shadows of our conversations who wait for us to fall into the inevitable pitfalls of the English language (and break our participles) please go somewhere far away in Africa where the tribes will hail you as a scholar for your prowess of the English language.

Ironically, this friend called himself Demosthenes on Yeshiva World.


  1. Haha, it can get annoying when people correct your grammer when you are trying to tell a story. It's worse when they don't just make the correction, but they interupt with how common/uncommon the mistake is and the correct form etc.

  2. This "essay" would have been a lot funnier if the spelling and grammar weren't so atrocious.

    Yes, I am well aware of the irony of that statement, but here's the point: the rules of grammar improve communication. By making writing and speaking clearer, they allow the author/speaker to more successfully convey his intent.

    Be honest for a second: wouldn't this have been both funnier and more convincing if it had been more readable?

  3. Ummm... Being the person for which this "essay" was written, I understand you completely, but as you may or may not have alluded to, I think that was the point.

  4. He sounds like a complete moron, and very, very immature. I agree that this would have been a lot funnier and much more entertaing if he had delivered his rant with flawless grammar and punctuation. Now he just sounds like an uneducated, backwards bumpkin railing against "dem teachers, I don't want to learn none!"