Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wedding Talk

In a recent conversation with a friend, I discovered that one of the two of us is an idiot. Please help me decide. In order to ensure non-biased rulings, I will not tell you which side I was taking.

The following is a dramatization of a discussion about marriage (about time Jug got back to that, right?):

Jim: It’s not fair. How come the girl gets more gifts than the guy?
Ira: What do you mean?
J: My wife will be getting a shaitel, a fall, a bracelet, a yichud room present and oh yeah, a ring!
I: And you?
J: I get a watch and a shas
I: Okay, but in many cases, you also get a yichud room gift, and sometimes she doesn’t. Also, some people don’t get a bracelet. They propose with a ring like the olden days.
J: Still, that’s not what most of our friends (including me) do.
I: Okay, but you’re forgetting two things. 1) She gets a shaitel, but you get to NOT wear a shaitel.
J: So?
I: SO?! It’s not an easy thing to cover up your hair. I’m sure it makes things hotter and uncomfortable, AND you’re covering up your hair. Girls like hair. I think. Don’t think that just because everyone you know does it, girls don’t struggle with it. I would buy a shaitel if it meant not having to wear it for the rest of my life. It’s well worth the purchase. 2) You’re getting one more thing. Her.
J: So? She’s getting me.
I: Not in the same way.
J: Of course it’s the same way! She’ll benefit from me in the same way I’ll benefit from her!
I: Don’t let HER hear that. It’s not the same way because she doesn’t give you the ring and say “Harayatah m’kudash li.”
J: I would never let her hear that.
I: Why not?
J: I wouldn’t want to hear the consequences.
I: Would you mind if she said it about you?
J: No.
I: So why do you think that is?
J: Because girls are crazy.
I: Maybe, but it’s also because it’s true.
J: You’re an idiot.

Okay readers, what do you think?
Do girls get too much stuff?
Do guys not get enough?
Is there too much gift-giving altogether?
Do you side with Jim, Ira or neither?
What about the shaitel thing?


  1. His future wife one day should buy him a toupee.

  2. I do think the stuff-giving has gotten out of hand. There is a point - meaningful gift giving helps build relationships both for the giver and for the recipient. But it has gotten to the point where it becomes a chore and a matter of rote and custom.

    Marriage should not be about getting stuff. It should be about "getting" a spouse, and building a relationship.

    I side mostly with Jughead- I mean, Ira.

    Shaitels are terribly uncomfortable (both in the physical and mental/emotional sense) and guys should be sensitive.

  3. Meh.

    Also: Didn't want shas, was forced to take watch (which I still wear). I don't think my parents bought her sheitl/fall.

    And most importantly, if you can't/don't want to be giving gifts that are unnecessary, talk about it and don't.

    Both sides are idiots: J for the aforementioned reasons, and I for lines like "you don't have to wear a sheitl" (so? the girl is still having it bought for her, and it is a gift) and the "getting one another" line of conversation is just stupid on both sides.

  4. i side with ira - he's getting her and that's all that matters. give her what ever she wants, needs or asks for thats his job

  5. the gift thing is out of hand, but having said that - it all balances out in the end. she gets a bracelet, he gets a becher - she gets a ring, he gets a menorah - or whatever. deal with it.

    and there's also the part that he gives her a kesuba with all that entails, which would probably include gifts (especially if he's smart).

    as for the shaitel - it's not THAT uncomfortable, and it's not like she doesn't know it's coming her whole life.

    a sheitel counts as a gift as much as a menorah - useful/necessary items (shas, sheitel)are in a different category than bracelets and watches, maybe?

    and yeah, the getting each other thing is really pretty stupid.

  6. The gift giving is ridiculous to me. Give me the classic engagement ring and I'm good to go. It's not always clear cut who buys the sheitel; financial circumstances must be taken into account, but if my future in-laws (whoever they are) wanted to buy it for me then I'd be very grateful. I don't consider it a given though.


  7. as for the shaitel...it's not like she doesn't know it's coming her whole life.

    That's not necessarily true.

  8. Just because you know it's coming, doesn't mean you have to look forward to it.

    Tell you what, anonymous: I'll buy you a lovely gift of the headstone, coffin, and plot of your choice. But you have to embrace your occupancy, preferably sooner than later.